I rolled over in bed and laid my head on his pillow.  Although I was exhausted, sleep would not come.  I looked at the clock for the hundredth time that night.  Midnight. One o’clock. One-twenty. Two-fifteen.  I prayed, I cried, and I prayed some more.  “Please God, don’t let him be doing it again.”

I got out of bed and walked over to the bedroom doors that led to a large deck.  “This was supposed to be our dream home,” I thought to myself.  It sat almost in the middle of fifteen acres. As I looked out into the night, the moon was so full and so bright. I felt I could see every tree, every rise and slope of the land . . . and every shadow.  I thanked God for the bright moon because I knew I would be going out into the night alone again.  I reluctantly got dressed and went upstairs where our sons were sleeping.

I hated myself for what I was about to do, but what other choice did I have?  I did not want to wake my son, but suppose one of the boys woke up and needed me?  Suppose the house caught on fire after I left?  I had to tell someone I was leaving.  I knelt down beside his bed, said a silent prayer, and then, for what seemed like the millionth time, I gently shook our middle son and whispered to him, “I’ll be back soon.”  My heart broke because I knew he knew what that meant.   For so long I tried to hide the truth from our sons to protect them, to cover it up; but by this time, he knew something was wrong.  All three sons knew something was terribly wrong.  Yet, I still wanted so badly to spare them the heartache I was feeling . . . that gut-wrenching raw fear I felt every time he did not come home.

I got into my car and headed down the long winding driveway and onto the narrow dirt road that led to the main paved road.  As I turned onto the dirt road, I wondered to myself, “Will I find him this time? Where will he be this time? What lies will he tell me this time?”  Then, almost instantly, I was overcome with anger at myself that I would even stoop so low as to go looking for him again.  Hadn’t I had enough already?  Then, as I rounded a small curve in the road, I saw headlights.  I knew the lights were his.   I stopped my car and waited.   As he drove closer, I turned off the engine and headlights, got out of the car, and stood in the middle of the dusty dirt road.

I watched as he brought his truck to a stop some distance in front of my car.  Finally, his headlights went off and he stepped out of the truck.  The moon lit up the dirt road like a runway.  We walked towards each other slowly.  It was like a showdown in a western movie, only I had no weapon to pull.  I was again thankful that the moon was so bright because I wanted him to see the disappointment, the anger, and most of all the hurt on my face.  When I looked into his eyes, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he had done it again.

Every promise he made to me died in an instant.  “Lies, all lies,” I thought.  Staring him in the eyes and feeling a rage like I had never felt before, I said to him, “If you ever do it again, I hope it kills you.”  Tears began to fill his eyes, and as I turned to walk away, I heard him say the words that shook me to my very core, “I hope it does, too.” he said.


I have to read the rest of the book!

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